to all that turns out.
Wednesday, February 4, 2009 11:48 AM
And you see, it's hard for me to breathe when I get all
worked up with these feelings.
And I don't know exactly how it is that we can be so mad,
we considered not to exist,when we both know there's so much love
clenched within our fists.
wednesday,still it doesn't make it any better. even the sleep..
no,i didn't even catch a wink last night. well,not until 5 am?
i thought over & over,close to being back the old effah but no.
i asked myself again & again,what's the use of suicide? only pain.
but then again,to really stop the pain and all that's inside,
that's the only way,that's the way i used to think...
my life changed,2 years ago. it drastically totally changed.
i have never once thought about suicide,not as much as last time..
i didn't need the help i need from the doctors,anymore.
yes,that's when you came into my life. you changed me..
but then again,you have a way to change me into being the worst.
and i thought,life is meaningful.. i changed the way i see life.
because me,i have never think that's life wonderful after all that.
years before,all i think was overdosing myself,slit my wrist,
do whatever damage it can do to me,till the pain really stop.
the truth is? it never really stopped. it furthers the pain.
You don't know this yet but, life isn't supposed to be like this.
It's not supposed to be so hard.Your supposed to smile.
Your suppose to fall in love.Your not supposed to ache like this.
it's a wonder,they say... how someone can changed you,how love can.
and yes,it did to me how love really caught me into being better..
i tried to accept life,tried to accept it's setbacks,face the problems.
i wasn't even close to being suicidal,but then just a bit.
people would never understand,the pain,the grief,the aching.
but all i know,others have it worst than me. others have bigger problems.
that's what i'm trying to tell myself,over & over & over again,
to stop being suicidal,stop being the old effah. stop being a coward.
because one,i choose to run away from problems rather than face them.
yes,that was what i used to be. i chose to ignore,hoping that it would go away..
my life's no soapy sappy fairytale.. every one's life isn't like that.
if it is,there would be no wars,no fights,no arguments,no problems..
fairytale are like our getaway to the fiction world,like how it is in the books.
over the years,i've learnt. i fall,i woke up back again and i learnt..
so,i tried to myself yesterday,it won't be worth it to hurt the ones i loved.
trust me,i have tried and it wasn't fun,wasn't even pleasurable.
it only lengthens the pain,distant the relationship.
And tell your friends that everything’s alright,
But the truth is that your heart collapsed.
Two years ago tonight.
what throw some sense into me,you ask? people in my life.
i used to have wonderful people around me,who're always there for me.
life's changed,they have their own life,friends go,some stayed,some strayed.
but,living back those memories,imagining they're here fighting with me,
it's enough to bring me back into sense. it's enough to smile,just a little.
because i have learnt the hard way,"no one's really gonna be there for you."
you have to be there for yourself,keep on fighting & fighting.
life's cruel like that,yes.
i have wonderful friends,who may or may not be there.
i have a family,though imperfect,it still is home.
i have wonderful blog mates,who are always willing to give a hand.
and i have myself.. though sometimes,i hate myself.
but they say,it's a step one to start loving yourself first..
and yes,i would never want to throw my life just like that,ever.
till finally the day will come,god almighty itself would have a say.
till that day comes,i'll keep on fighting,i'll keep going forward.
isn't that's what life is all about?
I guess it's gonna have to hurt. I guess I'm gonna have to cry
and let go of some things I love to get to the other side.
I guess it's gonna break me down like falling when you're trying to fly.
It's sad but sometimes moving on,
with the rest of your life starts with goodbye.
And you see, it's hard for me to breathe when I get all
